For those beautiful moments between your loan coming in and it soaking away into books, rent and bus tickets, leaving scant pence for a consoling pint at spoons, you are rich to the tune of a few grand. For at least a day though, many things can be yours. But should they? Here’s Smart-Pig’s latest instalment of what not to buy with your student loan.

Apple AirPods - £200

The controversy of the ridiculous price of these blobby little ear-slugs was washed over as Apple distracted us by unhelpfully removing the headphone jack from the iPhone 7. Whilst they won’t get tangled up any more, there are now two of them to lose, approximately doubling the already inevitable chance of a lapse of ordinary human oversight, each occurrence of which now comes with an eye-watering price tag. Also, if previous Apple reliability is anything to go by, we can only assume they incorporate tiny self destruct charges timed for somewhere in 2018. We don’t want to risk being around if it all gets a bit like the end of Kingsman: the secret service. If you must embrace the technology, which by no means is a bad thing, there are countless cheaper alternatives, some of which STILL COME IN WHITE

Apple AirPods

Louboutin pumps - £455

What better to spend your loan on than unattainable fashion brands? It’s not like your pocket money could cover them. If Carrie Bradshaw can pull them off, so can you. Of course, the ones to get are in the obligatory vampire colour scheme of black and red. They are gorgeous, but aside from looking at them, how often are you really going to wear these? Do you really want to risk vomming on them round the back of Crystal’s whilst Megan holds your hair? Of course not, so why not commit fashion fraud with some M&S heels and red paint. Who will know?

Louboutin pumps

A crap Bentley - £2500

For those of us pulling the full maintenance grant, a cool £2500 can have you this bargain 80’s monolith. Somewhere between a victorian drawing room and caddish muscle car, this less-than-stellar example of an old Bentley Mulsanne is presented in hideous postbox red. Modern day Mr Toad’s should beware before poop-pooping their way over to part with their cash - whilst owning such a car would surely be a unique experience, this experience is likely to include rot, damp and engine trouble. If the radio does work, and you can find your cassettes, you might be able to drown out the staccato patter of your 7-cylinder V8 as it tries to cough “kill me now” in morse code. Don’t expect more than one figure on your MPG either.

A crap Bentley

A spread betting account - £?

These dubious investments are helpfully packaged in attractive, inspiring apps whose branding may convince you that putting down your money will make you smart, decisive and ambitious. Nothing says “Wolf of Wall Street” wannabe like making unsubtle hints about your investment prowess in Wetherspoons whilst compulsively checking graphs. However, this highly leveraged method of betting on stocks and forex can lose you more money than you put down, meaning your £10 bet could theoretically lose (or win) you hundreds. Making money on these things has more in common with roulette than proper stock investing, and an account here with live cash could blow through your student loan minutes. For those who want to have a go, most providers offer a helpful dummy account to get your eye in.

A spread betting account

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Date Posted

14 March 2017