What Not To Spend Your Student Loan On

Your student loan has just hit your account and you feel like a king, browsing the net for things you never knew you even needed! Here is a list of things you could spend your student loan on but probably shouldn't.

A Ralph Lauren Pushbike

Coming in at around £1500 this stylish looking bike is a very expensive way of telling other students that you are a plonk. It would be much more cost-effective just to daub a four-letter word onto your forehead with a marker from Poundland. And that would only cost a pound.

A Fake Online Degree

£150 for a degree from a fictional university. There are several problems with this. If anyone is bright enough to do a background check on where you got your degree from, you're going to look a bit silly on your first day as a vet when you're meant to be doing a triple heart bypass on a turtle. Where would you even begin with that? That's what real degrees are for.

Dior High-tops

£560 of pure happiness. I am somewhat reluctant to include this, as my first immediate thought was 'Can I afford this?' followed by 'Maybe I can avoid paying rent this month', which led to 'Where's my debit card?'. A few minutes later sanity was restored and my feet still had some old shoes on. Apart from my personal highs and lows involving these shoes, don't click 'Buy'. I haven't even included a link, to save you the suffering the desire for these will surely create.

Commission An Oil Painting Of Yourself

Totalling over £2000, let everyone in halls be fully aware that you're not someone who will handle their milk being stolen lightly. Nothing says don't mess with me like an oil painting of yourself hung in a prominent place and looking really brooding. If it doesn't ooze Dorian Gray charm, it at least suggests serious megalomania issues. If your desire is still too strong, nominate yourself for life drawing classes and get paid around £20 an hour to get naked and have a first year draw you in charcoal.

Invest In Taxidermy

This is why eBay can be a dangerous hobby when at uni. You log on just to sell a One Direction DVD someone bought you for your birthday as a joke, and around half an hour later of random surfing you come to the conclusion that 'Why yes, a stuffed badger would look great next to my bed'. You click 'Buy it now', £400 later you have something resembling a moulding stuffed toy whiffing faintly of old cigarettes and formaldehyde sat next to your bed. Even worse, you're not convinced it's dead. Forget ever going in your room again and gone are the hopes of anybody else entering.

Purchasing A Hoard Of Cats

Your distaste for humanity and your need for cuddles have finally come into full conflict. A middle ground has been set upon, and you are on the hunt for a cat. It starts by looking at fluffy pedigree cats totalling over £1000. It then occurs to you how many cheaper cats you can afford for that amount. You contact everyone with a mile radius selling cheap kittens and you begin collecting. By the end of the week your room is overflowing with kittens. But it wasn't the utopia you dreamed it would be - it smells and you have to sleep with one eye open in case they eat you in your sleep, as you can no longer afford cat food.