It’s the time of year where everyone is short of cash. That is, apart from the annoying friend who bought it all in September over Amazon when they had the money. Apart from a quick run around Poundland on Christmas Eve for the last pair of eyelash curlers or Frozen themed body wash, there are a few other things you should plain and simply avoid.
Game - Christmas In A Tin £2
Sold in Game right next to the Xbox Ones is a food gift for those who will be busy testing their new games and consoles – you have the whole day layered into a tin. Each layer is more disturbing than the next. How much do you want individual layers of hell? Let’s start with the breakfast. Bacon and fried eggs – pretty nice, no problem with that one, but once your spoon cracks the surface you have the joy of liquidised mince pies and sprouts. It’s either gaming-related hunger pangs or this – I know which I’d prefer.
Homemade Vinyl Wall Clock £5
A very cheap way to have something naff to stick on your wall that says you want to be hip and a little bit indie. All you need to buy is a vinyl from a charity shop and a cheap clock-making kit. What originally sounds like a ‘shabby chic’ and ‘quirky’ thing to do dissolves into a nightmare when all the vinyl you can find is of Wham and Elton John. Gone is the desire to look cool by using either a Jazz or Rolling Stones one. Gone is the idea of a gift that says something about who you are as a person, and now you have a work of ‘art’ that isn’t even good enough to grace a skip.
Pretty Much Anything You've Tried Off Etsy £5
Googling gift ideas leaving you dry? Try the next stage of sifting through homemade goods on Etsy. Being too poor to buy them, you give it a go yourself. Being clever, you realise you can make the same thing for everyone – so you buy in bulk. It’s the time in your life where as a semi-confident adult it’s time to try and make soap. Feeling empowered, you set out only to be greeted by a mixture of awful smells, chemical burns and allergic reactions. In times like this it’s safer just to go to a sale at The Body Shop and then wrap the soap in Lush-branded paper – hopefully no one will know the difference.
Paris Hilton - Confessions of an Heiress £1
Poundland should be congratulated on its choice of stock, as for just a pound, love it or hate it, you’ll buy it for someone who watched her series once – or who just has a propensity for being difficult with a fondness of wearing too much pink. With brilliant articles helping you be the most fabulous version or yourself, you think it’s a no-brainer. Could you believe you’re getting such a great deal when it’s on Amazon for £15? Well the answer is no – with article after article of vacuous nonsense probably not even written by her, it starts with being amusing but by the end the brain damage is too severe. Only buy for those you really hate.
Sexy Gifts From Anywhere £4
“Oh isn’t [insert flatmate name] such a laugh, he bought someone lube for Secret Santa again” – possibly the most bantish gift you could buy anyone for Xmas. It briefly makes people look like they have a sense of humour, the recipient not realising they had no other idea for a present, forgot about it today and lifted an unopened bottle of something Pina Colada-flavoured from the bottom draw (which their other bantish friends bought as a pre-uni gift).