Nine months of confinement and the only crime you’ve committed is filling out a UCAS application and being accepted to uni
Some halls are amazing, some halls are pure hell, but in your darkest moments just repeat to yourself “It’s only 9 months till I get out”. Find ways to make it work for you – with the greatest of friends and pretty minimal effort you can have the best time in your first year. But just in case something goes wrong, we have a few solutions…
It’s like a horror film – apart from the disappointing part that no one ever seems to die. This is not eased by the design of most student flats. You wouldn’t be far wrong in believing it was designed either as a psychological experiment by the university, or at best by an interior designer with sociopathic tendencies who’s trying to punish you.
You can remedy this by simply turning up to lectures or going outside. Appreciate the trees on campus where you can. Failing this, do not cover your room in magazine clippings of nature as this is sure to unhinge you more.
The Disappearing Shower Product
You’ve gone to Lush and spent what is an unreasonable sum on a shower gel probably called ‘Glittery Rainbow Glitter Melt’. You weren’t told in the shop that it has the magic quality of evaporating when you’re not looking at it, because in fact other people are using it – and I don’t blame them. There’s nothing better than finding new products in the shower and giving them a sneaky test.
To solve this either keep it in your room, or if you have finally broken into passive aggressiveness fill a shower bottle with curry paste and wait for the screams.
The Excessively Loud Music
Firstly congratulate yourself on knowing all the words to the latest One Direction song. I apologise immediately for the fact you had to learn them through the ceiling from the person above you. No amount of note-leaving or door-banging can solve this issue. You’ve gone as far to debate having your ear drums surgically removed – but wait, there is help.
There is always the chance that the music will stop, at which point I would suggest either (or a combination of) heavy metal or consistently making sounds normally heard on a Herbal Essences advert at 5 in the morning – on cue, daily, for a week.
The Undried Washing
You’ve got to the laundry room and wasted about £4 washing and drying all your clothes at once for them to still be wet. You briefly enjoyed sitting in the laundry feeling like you’re in Eastenders before you’ve gotten bored and walked over to the pub to dull the pain by taking a series of shots at 4pm.
Now this really is a useful tip. Don’t let your towels go through the tumble drier. They take so long to dry that everything else remains wet – instead pop them on your radiator. You’ve now saved an extra £2 that can go on ‘food’.
The Drunken Doorbell
From personal experience, never has one sound brought immediate anger like the door intercom going off repeatedly from about 10pm-3am. Add extra hours to this if your door is on the walk to all the clubs and bars. This could cause you to hermit yourself in the 24-hour library, because you believe if you have an hour’s nap at each desk then move they won’t notice you live there – till you start leaving your toothpaste in the disabled toilet by accident.
Do not, as I watched someone do, tear the intercom off the wall – instead I’d go for putting it on mute, which if you look carefully IS possible. Either that or a large amount of duct tape and cotton wool will do.